As time ticks on, and New Years Day has faded away ... I am recognizing a quiet change.  In the past I have gone full speed ahead when the new year rolls around.  Holding myself to the most strict standards and not leaving any wiggle room.  But life always happens, right?  No matter your phenomenal intentions - life makes other plans.  Kids get sick, bills show up, family visits, the car breaks down etc etc. And before you know it - you're wondering where your resolve went.

This time the year changed to 2012 and I did make resolutions.  But kindness and LESS rules were on the menu rather than rigidity and examining myself under a microscope to pick out every little flaw.  More kindness means that I want to nourish my body and care for myself.  Yes, there are lists and guidelines that I choose to follow.  But my body is no longer the enemy and I am not at war anymore.

So what are you willing to do for a healthy, strong and energetic body?  I'm working towards finding my own while I'm on this journey to wellness.   I look forward to the day when I can play with my boys at the park and not be out of breath or feel completely worn out after a few minutes.  Desperate to find a shady spot to sit down and just watch while the boys have all the fun.  Seeing their sweet faces trying to hide their disappointment that mom "can't play".

How many things could I put on a list of "can't do's" because of my weight?  Morbid obesity is more then just frustrating - it is debilitating.  I'm practicing the art of not worrying about what others think of me.  That is no simple task when you've struggled with self-esteem issues for most of your life.  I tend to beat myself up in my head... judging and punishing myself so that I wouldn't be shocked if someone else said something or gave that look - regarding my size.  I used to joke that I would feel so much better if I could wear a sign on my chest that said "Since I have your attention already, you should know -- this weight is not all from over-eating -- I have autoimmune diseases and my body is really sick!"  But I'll refrain from public explanations and just try not to over think it.  : )

Somewhere inside this big body is my real self ... I have dreamed about waking up thin and healthy.  Drifting off to sleep one night and breathing deeply while my body just transforms.  Peeling off my wrinkled pajamas in the morning and revealing a strong lovely body that can move freely and has no limits.  Wouldn't that be wonderful?

But I know that this body has a story to tell.  Every illness, every emotional and physical struggle is building a testimony of how far a woman can come from the difficulties and still pull through.  Some days it feels like I'm clawing my way to the end of the day, trying not to dwell on how many things happened that pulled me off track.  Forgiving myself again and again and moving forward.

And a new day always shows up!  I am so thankful for sunrises.
God is so generous with fresh starts - free and built in to the cycle of the earth - just for me!  Okay, for you too!  : )

So, reaching up to the sunshine and knowing that today is a new day ... I know that there are choices to be made and that I can move closer to the health and vibrancy that is waiting for me.  The snail still gets there eventually ~ and even on my slow days I'm a bit faster then the snail.   : )


Carolyn P said...

I have such a long tally of things I can't do because I am so overweight too. I get so frustrated and angry with myself when I can't fit in the chair at the movie theater. I have to ask for a seatbelt extender on a plane. I hate all that stuff and it makes me mad at myself. I like when you said that you were going to be more kind to yourself. I will try to do that too. I like your posts here. They make me feel like I'm not alone in the struggles and I like your positive attitude too.

Curcumin said...

Of course dearie, you are faster than a snail! :) Every day is a great day. Learn how to use your time wisely. :)

~ B. said...

Oh I love this! "I know that this body has a story to tell. Every illness, every emotional and physical struggle is building a testimony of how far a woman can come from the difficulties and still pull through." You are so beautiful and on an incredibly beautiful journey! Thank you for sharing it with us! Mwah!

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